Joshua James Precious Part 5 (27/03/2010)

It had been an okayish nights sleep where I woke up once to start my expressing.  Had started this yesterday afternoon and am trying to get my supply going.  Only managing to get a few mls each time but hopefully this will improve.  Chris came at 9 o’clock which was when visiting time was for him. We then went up to see Joshua who had had a stable night.  However around lunch time, he starts to show signs of difficulty and we were warned that the next few hours were critical.  We are asked if we would like to have him baptized and we say yes to this.  The nurses arrange for the priest to come from the chapel to do this and he comes within the next half hour.  We are lucky to have my mum and dad there for this special occasion but this is only possible due to them being in the car park ready for visiting time at 1pm so they come up and join us.  We have him baptized and we then feel ready to touch him.  Up to now, we have just looked at him through the incubator.  We use the hand gel before we put our hands in through the portholes of the incubator.  It feels so nice just having our hands on Joshua and feeling his chest rise up and down when he breathes.  When it comes to 3pm, we see mum and dad out and then go back to my room where i do some more expressing.  We go back up to Joshua once we have finished expressing and he has perked up again.  It is definitely a rollercoaster ride for both emotions and how the baby is in health.

We have spent a couple of hours just watching Joshua with him kicking his legs out every now and again.  It feels really nice watching his every move but also really heartbreaking as I think he should be doing that from the safety of my womb.  It is now time to go back to the ward for my tea, and this is where, after tea has been eaten, one of the night staff (Julie) says that Chris can stay in my room tonight as they are aware that Joshua has had a very bad day and thought that I would like the support.

Joshua James Precious Part 4 (26/03/2010)

Friday 26^th March 2010

I turned on my left side facing the window and tried to close my eyes.  I fell asleep after shedding a couple of tears. When I woke up I felt like I had been asleep for a good couple of hours but when I looked at the clock I realised that I had slept for just over an hour as the clock said 06:35.  Unfortunately I couldn’t get back to sleep as all I could hear were people walking up and down the corridor with their feet shuffling along in their slippers and babies crying in the distance.   I lay on the bed watching the hands on the clock moving very slowly.  At about 07:55 a midwife popped her head around the door and said that breakfast was being served in the day room.  I got out of bed very gingerly and made my way, in bare feet as I had nothing with me, to get myself some breakfast.  I helped myself to one weetabix before sitting down at a table.  This was not very comfortable as the chair was a hard wooden one which was not nice on my stitches.  Once I had eaten the weetabix I helped myself to a slice of toast and a cup of tea before making my way back to my room to eat them.  It was a bit more comfortable but not much.  Once I had finished, I lay back on the bed and again watched the clock.  It was the longest morning that I have ever known.

At around 11:30, a midwife came in to ask if I was ok and also to say that if I wanted to go and see Joshua then they could arrange for someone to take me up to the unit.  I said that I would love to go up so she went to arrange for someone to take me.  A nurse/midwife arrived with a wheelchair and took me up to the unit.  It was like travelling through a maze and if anyone asked me to find my own way back to the ward I don’t think I would have managed it.

We went into the unit and I was taken to bay number 7 which is the bay that Joshua’s incubator was.  I sat in the wheelchair looking at Joshua surrounded by all the wires that were helping him.  He was on a low amount of pure oxygen.  I stayed with Joshua for about half an hour until it was time for me to go back to the ward for lunch. I reluctantly went back with the nurse that came to take me back.  I then decided to have lunch brought to my room as I didn’t feel up to sitting around all the new mums that had their babies with them.  It was fish, chips and peas for lunch with rice pudding to finish off.  I managed to eat some of the fish and chips at a slow pace but stopped eating when the door to my room opened and in walked Chris.

I was so happy to see him and he came straight over to give me a hug.  I then found out that he had rung up in the morning to find out how I was but I hadn’t heard this.  He had brought me some things so I got changed into some pyjamas and slippers before going off the ward where Margaret was waiting outside the ward.  Visiting times were not very co-ordinating; visiting for grandparents to see Joshua was between 1 and 3, then visiting for the ward where I was staying was between 6 and 9.  We went up to the unit where we spent some quality time with our son.  When 3 o’clock came about, Chris and Margaret went back home after seeing me back to the ward, promising me that they would be back that evening with Dan. 

I then had another boring wait until they came which was only just bearable.  I didn’t feel comfortable at this stage to go to see Joshua on my own.  Tea was served at about 5:30 so I had this before Chris, Margaret and Dan came. 

It was lovely to see Dan as well as Margaret and Chris again.  We had a lovely chat and showed Dan some pictures. Unfortunately Dan was not allowed in to see Joshua as the rules were parents and grandparents only. This is to prevent the spread of infection so do understand this.  Before Chris went home with his mum and brother, we went upstairs to say goodnight to Joshua.

Balloon Launch

Well today we have got the balloon launch that we have been organising for the last couple of weeks.  The day started with Chris in the kitchen baking some bread, scones and cakes.  This was all in preparation for the snacks are offering our guests this afternoon.  Once he has baked the scones and done the mixture for the fairy cakes, I help him to put the mixture into the cake cases.  They are now baked and ready for icing this afternoon.
Dad arrived at just after 10:30 with the helium, so this is where all the hard work starts.  I leave Chris and dad blowing the balloons to go to get a few last minute items from the shop.Getting stuck in traffic coming out of the supermarket car park gets me really flustered and panicky.  It takes me 40 minutes to get home where it normally takes no more than 15. The cars were bumper to bumper and the whole car park was grid locked.  12:30 and I am home finally.
Now time for lunch.  Once we have eaten, it is time to start doing the mammoth task of tying ribbon to all the balloons. (Over 100 balloons). We got into a rhythm of Dad holding the balloons whilst I tied the ribbon on, then I wrote on them before releasing them into the hall or kitchen.  This was being done whilst Chris made sure that the house was spotless: bathrooms were cleaned and entrance hall was cleared. We had done a lot of the balloons before the first of our guests arrived and they started to help tying the ribbon whilst I concentrated on writing the names on them.
Once I had written all the names of the people who weren't there, I passed the pen around those who were there so that they could write their name and message on their own balloon. Whilst this was being done, we received a phone call from one of our guests saying that they were lost.  We tried to figger out where they were but both Chris and I were stumped.  We asked them to find another landmark and ring back where we could possibly help them in directing them to us.  They did ring back and we knew where they were so I drove to find them and so they could follow me back.
Once all the guests had arrived, we had drinks and cakes first before deciding that the time was right for the release of the balloons.  We decided that one person was on photos, two people were filming which left 13 for holding the balloons and releasing them.  Everyone went out the front door and walked around the back where I was passing the balloons out to them in bunches of six or seven each.  Most of us had two hands full of balloons and once we had got all the balloons, we bunched together so they would all get released together. We sent off a tester to make sure we knew which way they were going to go.  Once we had that sorted, we counted down from three to one then we all released them.  They went up and they separated a bit more than they did last year but you could still see them for a couple of minutes. We were all watching them and trying to see what shapes they were making.
We then had lots of fun chatting amongst friends and relaxing. I haven't been able to relax at all today until we released the balloons. So there we have it, we have released over 100 balloons and have raised a rough count up of £350.  This money is going to go towards the Neonatal unit at North Staffordshire Hospital and BLISS. So a huge thank you to everyone who donated and for those who supported us.

Joshua James Precious Part 3

Our nightmare started at 20:30 on Thursday 25^th March 2010.  We were washing up after having omelette for tea when I started feeling a bit uncomfortable.   Then the sharp pains started but we put it down to the cyst giving me gyp, as they were the same pains as I was getting at the beginning of the pregnancy. We watched a programme on house renovation and I was still getting pains throughout. I then went to the toilet where we found out that I was bleeding. We had been umming and aahing about whether to ring the hospital for advice but as soon as I started bleeding I told Chris that he needed to ring.  When he rang and gave all the details they advised us to come in. I changed out of my uniform whilst Chris got a bag ready just in case they kept me in. We drove out to the hospital which didn’t seem to end. When we eventually got to the hospital and parked up, Chris went to get a ticket. He seemed to take forever, although he came back to say that the machine had eaten his money. We then made our way up to the maternity assessment unit on the second floor.  We arrived at the unit at 22:45 where we were told to wait in the waiting area, which was nothing more than a corridor with chairs in.  We were left in the waiting area for what seemed an age without anyone coming to check on us.  The only way I could get comfortable was to kneel on the floor and lean against Chris every time a pain came.  Eventually I decided to tell Chris, after he had asked them to look at me several times, that I felt like I needed to push.

This was like the magic words with us immediately being shown into a room, where a doctor examined me and uttered the life changing words “there is the head” (about two inches from the exit!).  I was rushed – ER style- through double doors; with a close encounter with a door pillar, into the delivery suite.  I was asked if I could move onto the bed that was in the room, and after saying I could, started to manoeuvre myself from the first bed onto the second one.  As I did this, my waters broke.  Tarnya and her team then took over...

“Push into your bottom” they said, Chris later saying that Joshua’s legs and body came out almost immediately and that he looked dead so Chris was heartbroken until Joshua kicked!  Tarnya and Chris kept telling me to take some gas and air as I fought to push out Joshua’s head.   Joshua was breach and his head- being the only part of him that was growing normally- was big for his size.  I put my chin to my chest and pushed with all my might, not taking much gas and air because it made my head spin and tasted funny.  Tarnya paged the doctor because Joshua’s head was not budging and it had been stuck for ten minutes. 

The doctor arrived with the fateful news that they would have to cut me- without anaesthetic because there was not time.  That cut was the single most painful thing that has ever happened to me.  Chris watched, and heard, it happen and still pales when he describes the hedge trimming and my howl of pain.  Joshua was pulled out and a team of magicians immediately began reviving him.  Chris thought it was a boy at this stage but was not sure, so when we heard him cry, and one of the doctors confirmed it was a boy, it was a magical moment.   I was now inhaling as much gas and air as my lungs could carry, in an attempt to mask the pain of the cut and the forthcoming stitches.

Tarnya pulled on my placenta, which my body was not giving up without a fight.  She was eager to remove it all before my cervix clamped down on it.  The placenta eventually came out but was fragmented so I was prescribed antibiotics.  Next Tarnya used local anaesthetic to numb the pain of the stitches.  They were still unbelievably painful so I kept inhaling gas and air.  So much so, in fact, that the room went black.  As I giggled uncontrollably Chris watched me try to put the gas and air nozzle through my cheek, before taking it off me laughing that he thought I had taken more than enough for now.  Tarnya kept stitching and it hurt so badly. 

The stitching finished we were left in the room alone whilst Joshua was installed in his incubator in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU).  We were brought a cup of tea and some toast- Chris managed one piece.  Then we tried to get some rest until they came to take us to the ward.  Joshua was officially born at 00:49, including 20 minutes on the magical resuscitation trolley.  At around half-three I was told to get in the bath to clean myself off.  Chris helped and we were both alarmed when the water turned pink from my bleeding.  Once I had cleaned myself up, with Chris’ help, I got dressed into a hospital gown and paper knickers, which the hospital provided for me, and then sat on the wheelchair ready to be taken to see Joshua.

The midwife wheeled me down the corridor with Chris following along carrying all my belongings.  The nurses in the NICU were ready for our visit as Joshua appeared to be comfortable in his incubator.  As I was wheeled closer to him I noticed that the incubator was called the giraffe incubator and also had a picture of a giraffe on it.  The nurse moved the incubator down so that I could see Joshua, as I was still a bit shaky from the birth and couldn’t really stand up from the wheelchair.  As I looked at him it dawned on me how small he was but could still not believe that he was ours.

We stayed there for a short time before it was time for the midwife to take me to the ward where I was to stay.  We went down to the ward which was on the first floor. When the midwife had opened the door to the ward she turned to Chris and said “this is where you say goodbye.” There was no warning and there was no real time to say the goodbye as we wanted, only a fleeting bye and see you later as I was pushed in the wheelchair through the doors and then Chris was gone.  I was shown into my room (room 10) where I got onto the bed and waited for the midwife from the ward to introduce herself to me.  She came in after a couple of minutes and asked to feel my tummy so I lay on the bed where she proceeded to press on my tummy and said that all was as to be expected.  She then informed me that breakfast was served at 8 o’clock so I should try to get some rest before then. She then left me alone in the room where I looked at the big clock that was on the wall opposite my bed.  The clock said that the time was 05:20. 

Joshua James Precious Part 2

Well here is the next update on what went on with my first pregnancy.

The first couple of months I was dragged down from all the sickness that I had.  Every morning, I would be sick and I also couldn't cook or be around the kitchen due to the smell. If I did cook, I just couldn't eat a thing so Chris had to do all the cooking on his own.  I could help prepare the veg etc but as soon as something went in a pan then I had to leave him to it.  I also went off lots of things, like chicken, veg, fruit, dairy products so what I could eat was also limited.  Chris did a fantastic job though of keeping the food as varied as he could as well as making sure that he had the veg even though I didn't.  I lost almost a stone in these first four months.

Other than the sickness everything else was fine until we went for our 20 week scan.  When the sonographer did the scan, she found some things that caused her some concern so I was then referred to a consultant three days later.  This scan showed that there was issues with the baby's long bones being short.  This could be an indicator of the baby having a chromosomal defect i.e Down's, Edward's or Patau's syndrome.  We were offered to have a test called an amniocentesis where a needle would be put through my tummy and they would take some amniotic fluid to test the baby's for these possible issues.  We decided that the risks at this stage of the pregnancy were too high and as we wouldn't do anything regarding the results (they would be for information only) then we decided to have the amnio at 32 weeks.

We were then under consultant care for the rest of the pregnancy.  Had another scan four weeks later at 24 weeks and 6 days gestation where there were positive signs that although the baby's bones were still measuring below where they should be, they had had four weeks growth.  So we left there very happy. The next day, I had a midwife appointment where I think she thought I was mad.  Think I am probably one of the very few women who cheer and smile when they are told they have put weight on.  Although not back to my pre-pregnancy weight, I was only a short way off.

This is were we thought we were on the home straight with everything going our way and we at last started to enjoy the pregnancy.  Little knowing that only 10 days later, our lives would change forever.

Joshua James Precious Part 1

Here is the first instalment of how our life changed for the first time.


It all started in October 2009.  I had been to the doctors mid October due to putting weight on just around my stomach.  She had asked for me to do a sample to do a pregnancy test which was to be sent to the lab.  The results came back the following week saying that it was negative. That weekend we had been to Oxford for the weekend to visit friends and on the Sunday we arrived back home and I started to get stomach cramps. These were quite painful but were over very quick.  Were there for about a minute before disappearing. At first just thought that this was my monthly cycle about to start and that the test was obviously correct but when the pains kept coming with no sign of anything else then I decided that enough was enough and would go to the doctors.

So on the Friday, I went to the doctors early before work.  The doctor had asked, after ruling out several things, for me to do a sample for a pregnancy test.  She tested it there and then and informed me that it was positive.  This was after her having to double check what the test stick result meant. However, having been told the best news ever, she continued on to say that the pains could be due to it being ectopic. I was referred to the hospital for further tests and was told not to eat anything as they might need to operate.

Cue frantic phone call to my husband from a very tearful wife saying to meet me at home and could he call work to tell them that I wouldn't be in that day.  Once home, we got together a few things in a bag just in case I was kept in and then made our way to the gynae department of North Staffs hospital.  We were there from about 11am til just after 4pm, having blood tests, urine samples tested and a scan.  We were then informed that the blood test needed repeating in 48 hours before they could have a definite result from them.  The scan couldn't see anything, but that could mean that they were too early, it could be ectopic or it could be a failing pregnancy.  We were absolutely devastated.  We so wanted to be pregnant but couldn't get our hopes up due to what we had been told.

On the Sunday, we made our way back to the hospital where the second blood test was done.  We were then told to ring on the Monday after 3 for the results.  If the hormone levels had doubled since the first test, then it was a thriving pregnancy, if they had stayed the same this meant it was ectopic but if they were lower than before then this meant that it was a failing pregnancy.  When I did ring on the Monday I was informed that they had more than doubled and I was ecstatic.  Chris, my husband, was thrilled to bits as well.

This is where we thought it would all run smoothly but no, I found out much later that I was not to have it easy.

Initial blog

Hi I am new to this idea, but want to try my hand at it.  Future blogs will be about how I am coping with what life has thrown my way and fundraising ideas that I am doing.  But first I will tell you a little bit about me.

My name is Laura and I am mummy to two Angel Boys.  Joshua James who was born on the 26th March 2010 at 26 weeks and 3 days gestation.  He died aged 3 days on the 29th March 2010.  William Christopher was born on the 12th March 2011 at 34 weeks and 5 days gestation.  He died aged 30 days on the 11th April 2011.

When I get a moment, I will do a blog with more information on what happened to each of my precious boys but for now this is goodbye.  Speak soon.